I do NOT have a virus

So tonight we get yet another scammer phone call alerting me to the horrifying fact that there is a virus on my windows powered computer!!!11!!!! oh noes

Yet another call, because this is the fourth one. Yes four times now in the last two months we've been rung by the technician department at Microsoft.. well actually the last one was from the Technician at the Technology department of Technological Technologies. But the gist of the conversation is always the same. This was the latest

Scammer: "Hello, is this the owner of this phone number?"

Me: pause.. "um yes?"

Scammer: "I'm a Technician at the Technology department of Technological Technologies and.."

Me: (interupting) "Oh! are you ringing about the virus on my computer?"

Scammer: "Yes yes, that is what we are ringing up to fix" ..( they didn't catch that I already knew what it was about? )

Me: "Oh thank god, I was really worried, what do I need to do to fix it?"

Scammer: "Ok good, you need to go turn your computer on and log in"

Me: "Uh huh" (tapping the space bar to make it sound like I am typing things) "Ok now what do I need to do?"

Scammer" : Ok you need to go to the start icon at the bottom, can you see it?"

Me: "Uhm no, where should it be? what am I looking for, do you think the virus already ate it? Omg!"

Scammer: "Um"

Me: "Oh it's ok, I found a different way to turn things on, what do I do to fix this now?"

Scammer: "Ok you need to click on run and tell me what you see in there"

Me: "Uh, I can't see anything? what should I be looking for? "

This went back and forth for a time, me playing dumb, asking them what it is that I should be seeing, and them asking me to read out exactly what I see in the box.

Me: "This is getting frustrating, I really don't know what you are trying to get me to do! I have only had this computer since 1983 and never had virus trouble until now. I'm really worried about how to fix it up!"

Scammer: "What computer do you have?"

Me: "It's a commodore 64, I cannot afford to buy a new one so I really need to know how to fix this"

Scammer: "One moment.." (I think I actually might have confused her because she consulted with someone else)

By this time I decided I was getting annoyed, and an ad came on TV showing what was coming up in the news and I suddenly got really angry that while my country was dealing with a tragedy, scammers were still trying to take advantage of people who don't know any better. So I let rip and told her exactly what I thought of their pathetic attempts to rip people off and take advantage of others. I used many four letter expletives.

Next one that rings me up to tell me my Windows computer has a virus will be told. "Oh no! and I just gave it away to that lovely Nigerian official who needed a computer to email his dear mother back in South Africa so she could transfer funds out of the country. I hope I haven't accidentally infected their network with a virus! he was such a sweet boy too.